I was 16 when I experienced my first mentally abusive relationship. Now, saying this is not meant to hurt or cause anger to anyone or the person involved. I have debated releasing this post only from fear of causing hurt but ya know... It's been YEARS. This unfortunately is part of my story. & There are always two sides to every story, mind you. I was also very toxic in the relationship I am fixing to share.
I was told I was fat, I was too heavy to pick up. If I ate more than what he saw fit he would comment on how I didn’t need to eat anymore. In the span of 2 months I had dropped over 30 pounds. I remember being on vacation with his family and crying in the car, while everyone was there..because I was so hungry but I didn’t want my boyfriend to make fun of me or make feel lower than I already did. Talk about a horrible mindset for a 16 year old. But hey, what 16 year old even knows how to have a relationship let alone know how to fix one.
Not knowing any better I let that go on for about a year. I thought I looked great. I thought that life was getting good & I would remain that size...as long as I just didn't eat.
My grandparents actually noticed that I wasn’t eating but I didn’t let them into my personal life enough for them to even get a taste of what was going on with 16 year old me.
I had become anorexic.
I would go days without eating anything other than one slice of toast & an Apple. I worked out twice a day for an hour. All to please a boy.
Mind you, we are 16 at the time. This boy didn’t know anything other than his surroundings And how he saw his friends treat their girlfriends. Which is an entirely different topic for another day. I digress. I hold no ill will to him, I actually am thankful. It was a lesson learned. I’m sure a lesson learned for him as well. There are always two sides to every story & this is my side.
Without this struggle that 16 year old me had to go through I would have never started to figure out what I would and would not allow in future relationships. I’m sure at some point we have all had a toxic relationship but the lessons we gain out of those struggles are what we really hold onto and what truly make us who we are.
Looking back on old pictures of 16 year old me, I was anything but fat. I might not have fit the mold of what society says a 16 year old should look like But fat...fat I was NOT. We all have those moments though, right? Where we look back on a time that wasn’t exactly what we wanted but realize what we thought we knew... was just WRONG!
Here is the thing.
Teenagers are ruthless. There is no blocking out any traumatic experiences from them. Explaining to your children the difference between an abusive relationship and a healthy relationship should always be the goal. But how are parents supposed to explain the difference if they themselves don’t even realize they are in one.
Explaining to your children the difference in body shapes and sizes as we grow would be ideal but how is a parent supposed to help their child with body image if they are suffering through body dysmorphia themselves? If your son is constantly seeing you put yourself down... don’t you think they would constantly put their girlfriend or boyfriend down because they see their mom, who in their eyes are perfect, saying she isn’t perfect. So when they are on their journey they are only showing what they know.
It’s a never ending cycle really. All we can do is hope for the best and try to teach our children that every one is different in sizes and shape. But the size of our waist or number of our pant size doesn‘t define who you are as a person. That doesn’t define if you are worthy of love. That doesn’t define the friendships you have.
xoxo,
vicky
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